Eternal Childhood: Loss and Suicide. 

I often think back to when the three of us were kids. Carefree summers spent exploring the forest, camping, swimming, surrounded by our amazing family. Visits to the cabin nestled on a hill by the ocean. We didn’t yet know the burdens and struggles that life would bring. We didn’t know what our futures held, nor did we care, all that mattered was the present moment in time. I never could have imagined that two of us would leave this world before 25.

I’ve never known the impact of suicide until recently. It’s an unimaginable loss that leaves you confused, angry, heartbroken, numb. There are times when it doesn’t seem real. How could she have done this, she had so much to live for how could she not see that? If she had held on for one more day, even one more hour, would the outcome have differed? 

These questions will never be answered.

It’s hard to understand and I’m still trying everyday. A phone call in the middle of the night can change your world forever. Receiving two of those calls is something I never thought would happen. The grieving process will never end. I will always feel that sadness when I visit the places we spent our childhood, or see something that reminds me of them. 

I hope wherever those two beautiful girls are that they feel the comfort and joy we felt as kids, running on that sun drenched beach with our whole lives ahead of us. 


Ebb and Flow

Losing you was natural. The end swept in like the tide, fluent and uninterrupted. I welcomed it as it began to rush in, knowing nothing of the future but fearless of this moment. I am not the lone maiden on the shore, I do not need your beacon to keep me safe. This voyage is now my own. This sea is my constant and as I cut loose the anchor I know it will take me home.

Depression And The Struggle: A view from the other side.

I have to start this post by letting you know, I do not struggle from depression. I cannot say that I understand what you are going through because I have not been there myself. I can only speak from the point of view of a person who has had countless people in her life battling this disease. I have seen what it can do to a person…

It was December, cold and snowing outside, I was in bed just drifting into sleep when my phone rang. We all know a phone call in the middle of the night is never good. It was my aunt. She wouldn’t tell me what happened, just asked me to get my mom on the phone. I don’t know how, but before they even uttered those horrible words I knew. I knew she had taken her life. My cousin who I spent my childhood with, grew into teenagers and then adults, one of my best friends…gone. Depression had won.

It really bothers me that some people have the mentality that depression is not a serious issue, they say oh everyone feels sad, you will get over it. Well the fact is that no, everyone doesn’t feel sadness in the way that a depressed person does, and they can’t just get over it. Typical sadness doesn’t cause you to not be able to get out of bed, not be able to function in your daily routine, it doesn’t cause you to feel physically worn down and severely emotionally disconnected from loved ones. It doesn’t cause you to legitimately consider ending your life. From what I have seen I can only describe it as a constant dark cloud above your head. Or a prison in which you are both the prisoner and the jailer. A tunnel with a dead end and no light.

I can honestly say that I believe this is one of the worst things a person has to go through in life. That’s why we, as loved ones of people who suffer from it, have to be there for support. Don’t try to diminish what they are going through by telling them it’s just a phase or a simple sad feeling. They need to know that you will be there for them through this battle and that you understand how serious it really is. Never judge or blame them. This is not their fault. It does not define who they are. Never give up on them. Do not walk away.

Being in a relationship with someone who has depression is a whole other topic. I think the hardest thing to deal with are the days when they just aren’t emotionally available. It can begin to feel like they don’t care, or don’t love you. It can become very lonely, you may feel like you lost the person you fell in love with. It’s a struggle for both people in the relationship. But you have to realize that their feelings for you have not changed, they love you but there are times when they will not be able to express it. That is something you have to accept if you are going to commit to someone who is dealing with this. They will have days filled with hopelessness and even anger but it’s not their fault and it’s not your fault either. Give them space when needed. Be understanding. Not everyday is a bad one. You will both get through it and in the end all the good days will overshadow the bad.

To any of you who are currently fighting this battle, please know that you are not alone. I respect your strength for continuing to take control and win this fight. Even when it feels like you are spiralling down to a horrible place, there is always hope. You CAN win this fight.

Happiness Is Not Something To Keep.

Why is happiness so fleeting? The good emotions always seem to leave us the quickest. I am trying so hard to hold on to my happiness lately but it’s slipping through my fingers, my effort is all in vain. I’m getting tired.

There is too much uncertainty in my life right now. I think that is what’s playing on my mind and making me so bitter. I wish I had an idea of what the future holds. I know there are questions that need to be asked but I’m terrified of the answers.

I don’t know where else to go with this post. Everything in my head is too cloudy and confusing. This probably makes no sense to anyone reading. I’m still trying to figure it all out for myself.

Dust and Butterflies 

I skipped a post yesterday. My internet was down so it wasn’t my fault, I swear. I desperately needed some therapeutic blogging last night. Most of my negative emotions had slipped away when I woke up this morning but that doesn’t mean they won’t find they their way back eventually.

I had planned on describing my horrible night in this post but I don’t want to light that fire again. I’ll let the ashes settle and burn out because today I am happy.

Today was simple. I spent the day with my two year old son, Jude.  How can you not be in a good mood when you’re around this cute little person who never has a reason to be sad or angry? I look at how full of joy he is and if I’m in a negative mood he helps to bring me back. Children find so much happiness in the smallest things, things that probably seem insignificant to most of us. I opened my curtains this morning and as pieces of dust filtered through the sunlight he looked at me with so much excitement and shouted “Sparkly butterflies!” If dust can ignite this type of wonder in a child, is it really so hard for the rest of us to find something to be happy about?

After the dust settled, I decided we should go find some real butterflies. Across the road from my house there’s a path that leads to the shore. I always take him for walks down that path. When you get to the end you can stand on the bank and take in the ocean, the fields of flowers, and my absolute favorite thing; the air smells like wild strawberries at certain times of the year.

An afternoon spent chasing butterflies is time well spent.